Handling hard parts of toddler care

Looking back on parenting three toddlers, I remember the great joys of loving them and watching their astounding curiosity and growth. I also remember that it was really hard: the short attention span, utter lack of common sense, all that lifting and lugging, all those “NO!!”s. Toward the end of that phase I was really ready to move on. But I did learn a few things about managing the physical, mental, and logistical strains of toddler care that are coming in handy now that I have part-time care of our toddler granddaughter.

Managing physical challenges

Repeatedly hefting even an inert 25-pound dumbbell is hard. A 25-pound toddler is harder: They wriggle, need lifting from potentially back-wrenching positions, and intermittently require aerobic sprints to prevent disaster. I’m blessed to be healthy, and I’ve consistently done strength training since I was about 40. But if you’re not in decent physical shape, right-sizing the toddler-wrestling might not even be possible. Even Grandpa, who is in decent shape, draws the line at being left alone with near-toddler Granddaughter. For all grandparents, having any chance of handling the physicality of toddler care means taking care of yourself: Exercise. Eat well and enough, especially on days you’ll be caring for Toddler. Get good sleep.

And then pace yourself. For example, take on only one outing that involves wrestling Toddler into winter clothes, or getting Toddler in and out of a car seat. On the flip side, gentle physical exercise for Grandparent may give Toddler a lot of opportunity to move—or snooze. Granddaughter and I take “nap walks,” in which I get a refreshing, gentle walk outside and she gets a nap in her stroller. And we go to our nearby park, where she can endlessly crawl and push her stroller around, while I mostly just amble along next to her or sometimes even sit and watch.

Avoiding mental traps  

For me, the mental effort of toddler care takes several forms. It can be pretty much physical—I had a bad night’s sleep, for example. That just feels like fatigue. Or it can stem from wishing I were doing something else, like talking to adult, or accomplishing an adult task or pursuit. That kind of mental effort manifests as loneliness or boredom. The third is feeling at wit’s end—uncreative and uninspired about what to do with this little creature so that her main entertainment isn’t trying again to harass the dog. That can feel like frustration and/or self-blame about not doing or planning good-enough grandparenting.

For all of these, prevention is the best overall strategy:

• Preventing fatigue ties back to the physical readiness tips: Good sleep, nutrition, and exercise.

• To prevent loneliness and boredom, a top strategy is to involve others. If you have a spouse/partner, having them around can be very helpful even if they do little hands-on grandchild care—even a short adult conversation can be refreshing, and little things like using the bathroom without Toddler in tow make a big difference. Friends or relatives who visit while you do grandchild care can play a similar role—maybe even with more socializing—as long as they are okay with having your attention focused on Toddler. The second main strategy is to get out of the house. Maybe you and Toddler just play outside, maybe you go to a class or story time, or maybe you venture a more major outing, like a trip to a zoo. Lots of options can be enjoyable and manageable for you while serving Toddler’s needs for learning, socializing, and moving.

• To stave off feeling at wit’s end, I advocate thinking in advance about having one special something to do—a new toy or project or experience—with Toddler each care day. But keep it simple: A toddler’s attention span is very likely to be shorter than your planning effort. For example, the photos above are of a fingerpainting project I spent perhaps 20 minutes on that interested Toddler for less than two minutes. (She seemed quite insulted by being offered turmeric-laced yogurt, which does indeed taste terrible.) Despite the occasional flop, preparing a special activity does remind you that you are an active participant in Toddler’s growth, and that reminder is worth a lot if frustration kicks in. 

Conquering logistics

Preparing yourself and even one Toddler to go out is quite a process. If you have more than one grandchild, preparations can be a huge barrier. So again, especially if you’re alone, plan ahead. Have your stuff laid out, and Toddler’s packed maybe even before she arrives at your home. And remember that you’re on Toddler time, in which every bit of preparation takes at least twice as long as it normally would. So leave plenty of time for shifting gears between activities. If at all possible, involve someone else in managing the logistics. I’m lucky that Grandpa can watch Toddler for 10 minutes while I think through and gather our things. (Thank you, Grandpa!)

Flowing in Toddler Time

In all of this, pace yourself. Honestly assess your mental and physical stamina and your time and mental space for planning. If possible, limit the hours you care for Toddler to what you can do well. And in any case, gauge activities to what you can manage safely for both of you.

Finally, for me, the most important overall trick is a form of mindfulness: Remembering how fleeting these early days are, I do my best to concentrate on grandchild care rather than letting my mind wander to being somewhere else or doing something else—fortunately for me, this is easier at 70 than at 30! The time will come for other things, but right now the treasure is Toddler Granddaughter. 

PS. And oh yes—add flexibility to the list! The day after I wrote this post, mindfulness was out the window because I had to order groceries for my aunt during grandchild-care time, keeping half an eye on Toddler. Plans for the day were upended, too, because Toddler's eating and sleeping schedules were off. Fortunately, brief half-attention and Plan B made for a happy day, anyway.