ICE damage. And holding the grandkids.

I know I’m not alone in the churning feeling that things are falling apart. There’s the daily disruption Trump administration—Venezuela, Greenland, vaccination schedules, indictment of the Fed chair, subpoena of Minnesota elected officials, etc., etc., breaking or undermining norms, values, and stability. And the shredded social fabric is way worse in its immediacy here in the Twin Cities, where roving bands of ICE agents are indiscriminately abusing and intimidating citizens, documented immigrants, and undocumented immigrants. The agents rest assured that whatever their cruelty (how about this video of a pile of agents kneeing a man in the face?), randomness, and vindictiveness, they have “absolute immunity.” So no one is safe—but many are working to keep each other safe.

So life here is disrupted, especially if you’re an immigrant or look as if you might be, but even if you’re not. Here's an example of the latter, from a friend of a friend on Facebook: “My daughter and her husband are small business owners, having several fast food restaurants around the metro. They have lost two area managers to ICE, one deported, one held in a detention center. They are shuttling terrified employees to and from work, trying to keep their stores open. It is both their livelihood and that of their hardworking, dedicated employees. Everyone is exhausted, praying that ICE doesn’t come again. This is not sustainable. They may not recover from this. What in God’s name is going on?? I’m staying overnight to take care of my grandsons and get them off to school while their parents scramble to keep their heads and their employees above water. But it feels like they are losing the battle. There is no relief, no cavalry, no help in sight. I am enraged, outraged, worried, afraid for all of them. When did we become such a heartless and barbaric country. My heart is so heavy.”

A tiger, standing at a tiger-size scratching post, glares out at the viewer. — Photo by Vish K on Unsplash

Kids are not safe

Children have been hit hard. Families are delaying medical care out of fear that they’ll be seized at the hospital or provider’s office. ICE is disrupting daycares and schools, and parents—again out of justifiable fear—are keeping kids at home. ICE has even detained children and sent them to Texas. (One grandson told me, apparently quoting adults, "But they don't take children." I chose not to correct him.)

Even children not involved as targets—or protestors—have been caught up to their harm. Witnessing the operations, a regular occurrence, is itself traumatic: Our own grandson is terrified of ICE, having seen a neighbor pulled from his home two houses down. And worse happens: For example, a non-involved family of eight, six of them children, was tear-gassed in their car on their way home from basketball practice. Several of the children, including a 6-month-old baby, had to be hospitalized. CNN reports, “[The family’s mother, Destiny] Jackson said she hasn’t been able to sleep since Wednesday, as the incident has triggered her existing panic disorder. Their car is also not usable, and she said her two oldest children keep asking if their next car can be an ‘armored vehicle’ in case this happens again.”

So for children across Minnesota, routines, environments, and predictability are out the window. This disruption of routine alone is bad for them, because, psychologists tell us, children thrive on consistency and order. Kids growing up with (more or less) consistent routines have better cognitive, social-emotional, academic, and physical health outcomes than children growing up in disordered environments, even if the child’s environment is challenging in other ways. Safe, stable social environments and nurturing relationships are important to children’s wellbeing, too. In contrast, unpredictability in the environment has been singled out as a risk factor for mental health concerns and unhealthy increased weight.

A grandfather and grandchild share a hug in an outdoor, sunny setting. — Getty Images for Unsplash

Holding steady

All this points to a couple ways grandparents can pitch in under current circumstances: Like the grandmother quoted above, we can provide, as best we can under our circumstances, stability and predictability in routines, relationships, and some aspects of the social environment for our grandchildren. Cooking, playing games, doing jigsaw puzzles, reading, getting kids to eat their vegetables—such basics help support the grandchildren and their families.

Grandparents whose families aren’t targeted by ICE can also involve the grandchildren in what’s going on around them. Partly this can be by talking and sharing—fears, values, stories of hope—all in age-appropriate and gentle ways. Grandparents can also include grandchildren in caring for their more-affected neighbors. Younger kids might help shop for non-perishables to donate to a food shelf. Older ones might be ready to join grandparents at an adult protest, or grandparents might be able to chaperone a protest planned by the kids. None of this may seem like much—and, heck, it isn’t, compared with the brave things a lot of people are doing. But it does mean the world to those small people in our care. (Shout-out to our adult children, who have been involving their kids in positive neighborhood support.)

And even these small efforts require focus: It’s not so easy to keep our minds creative and bodies calm when we are with the grandkids, under the circumstances. After all, we, too, are shocked, saddened, and terribly distracted by what’s going on. And most of us also have some personal chaos to contend with—illness, a loved one’s illness, money woes, an accident. So, to be honest, I haven’t been creative or motivational as we’ve cared for the grade-school-aged grandkids while their schools are closed due to ICE activities. Thankfully, they LIKE jigsaw puzzles!

It’s also worth recalling that it’s a luxury to have the energy to maintain routines and peacefulness—and to have reasonable confidence that your efforts will be effective. Consider a contrast from the book Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity by Katherine Boo. The book describes life for the people making a living by garbage scavenging, dwelling in a rat- and disease-infested slum, and tormented by corrupt and cruel authorities:

Every country has its myths and one that successful Indians liked to indulge was a romance of instability and adaptation—the idea that their country’s rapid rise derived in part from the chaotic unpredictability of daily life. In America and Europe, it was said, people know what is going to happen when they turn on the water tap or flick the light switch. In India, a land of few safe assumptions, chronic uncertainty was said to have helped produce a nation of quick-witted, creative problem-solvers. Among the poor, there was no doubt that instability fostered ingenuity, but over time the lack of a link between effort and result could become debilitating. “We try so many things,” as one Annawadi girl put it, “but the world doesn’t move in our favor.” (p. 219)

For those of us with the good fortune to have some physical and mental energy to spare, these small efforts for and with our grandchildren are ways we can pull in the right direction in these trying times. Hopefully, we have the capacity and the will to do more, too.

Philosopher Grandma Readers: Please share your experiences and strategies with your children or grandchildren. Perhaps advice about how to talk with them about these events and about how we get past them?